Mental Notes by MindMelody

Slowing the Traffic in Your Head: The Art of Mindfulness

Wed, 03 Jul 2024 02:32:06 GMT

Slowing the Traffic in Your Head: The Art of Mindfulness

Have you ever found yourself thinking incessantly about all the things on your to-do list? Thoughts seem to zoom in and out of your mind like vehicles trying to avoid 18-wheelers on a busy freeway during rush hour. Maybe you’ve been ruminating on the history of your existing situation or considering the next steps for your future endeavors. Perhaps you’ve been struggling with relationship woes or family matters. Maybe there’s a situation at work that has been keeping you up at night. These never-ending thoughts appear to consume your time and affect your energy and productivity levels. Perhaps your heart rate increases, you feel knots in your stomach, your appetite has changed, or a heaviness comes over you and achieving an adequate night of rest becomes a struggle. You may even feel stuck and unsure of how to pull yourself out of the mire long enough to catch your breath. If any of these situations resonate with you, then perhaps it’s time to learn new ways to calm yourself amidst the heavy traffic in your mind, through the practice of mindfulness.

As a widely used technique among Buddhist and Hindu religious affiliations, this ancient practice has been modified and adapted over time. The American Psychological Association defines mindfulness as the “Awareness of one’s internal states and surroundings” (APA, 2018). This familiar approach is often practiced alongside other commonly utilized therapeutic interventions. It has been proven to be extremely effective to aid the individual in strengthening their ability to perceive their thoughts, feelings and situations through a calming, and nonjudgmental lens. This technique in turn may help the individual to reduce symptoms that accompany physical discomfort, excessive worry, looming sadness and hopelessness as it creates space for clearer reflection. Allowing the individual the opportunity to become more reflective, deepening introspection, thereby enhancing self-awareness and reducing the likelihood of reactivity.

If you’ve ever met an adult who struggles to self-regulate once triggered, they are likely someone who has yet to develop sound self-awareness and the ability manage their emotions. Furthermore, they have not yet discovered those helpful methods to modify their automatic responses to the perceived threat. To better understand what this may look like in real time, let’s look at an example. Recall if you will, a situation where you witnessed (or saw a video) of someone becoming irate in public.

A Failure to Practice Mindfulness:

A customer storms into a local fast-food restaurant and becomes belligerent towards the cashier after receiving their order via drive- thru and realizing it was incorrect. The fact of the matter is the cashier took the order as they heard it presented via the drive-thru’s speaker system. However, neither the cashier nor the customer repeated the order to confirm accuracy. Upon confrontation, the cashier naturally becomes defensive and does not oblige the customer’s demands. Then an argument ensues between them. The manager of the restaurant emerges from the kitchen to intervene. The customer refuses to calm down or cooperate. The manager then asks the customer to leave the establishment and threatens to call law enforcement if they don’t immediately vacate the premises. While the customer may have had the full right to be upset about the incorrect order, the methods in which they chose to handle the situation obviously did not produce favorable results. Their reactivity to the stressor did not alleviate their frustration and left both the cashier and manager agitated for the duration of their shift.

A few things may have contributed to the customer’s outburst, (i.e., unrelated stress, physical discomfort, negative mood, etc). Had they chosen to practice a mindfulness technique prior to the interaction with the cashier, they may have been able to better navigate their existing emotional state to prevent further arousal. Much too often, we allow the things on our minds to dictate our moods which later negatively impact our behaviors. The customer may have had fifty things on their mind and been in an awful mood prior to entering the drive thru. However, it was solely this individual’s responsibility to govern themselves accordingly, regardless of the traffic jam of thoughts that may have bottle-necked in their mind. Learning to regulate our emotions is a clear depiction of maturity on many levels. A person who can effectively communicate even when frustrated, without becoming harmful is perceived as balanced and inwardly aligned. This person can be trusted and will likely experience a higher degree of positive outcomes from their interactions with others.

Mindfulness Techniques to Try:

Becoming aware- Recognizing your mood and observing how your body is feeling
Focusing- Paying attention to what is happening in the present moment without giving thought to past or future events
Accepting- Allowing yourself to accept whatever you may be experiencing internally without the need to label the thoughts or feelings as “good” or “bad”
Observing- Realizing what you’re experiencing is a temporary state without any evidence of foreseen permanency

If the customer had checked in with themselves prior to entering the restaurant, using the mindfulness approach, the situation could have played out much differently.

Demonstrating Mindfulness:

A customer parks their vehicle after receiving an incorrect order from the drive-thru of a local fast-food restaurant. The customer is annoyed that they will need to go inside the restaurant to have the order corrected. Before turning off the ignition, they take a moment to check their reflection in the vanity mirror. They realized that the headache they’d had all afternoon is contributing to their agitation, and they decided to take a few sips of the cold beverage they’d just purchased. They briefly recalled the work-related situation that led to the onset of the headache. Then opted not to worry about it at the moment as it is not something they could immediately fix. The customer allows themself to feel their frustration for a few moments before considering how easily unintentional human error can lead to miscommunication. They take a few deep breaths before exiting the vehicle. Entering the establishment, they approach the cashier with a warm smile. The customer then explains the inaccuracy of the order and kindly asked that it be corrected. The cashier then reviews the customer’s receipt, then highlights and apologizes for what was heard versus what the customer reportedly said. The customer acknowledged that mistakes happen and would appreciate a correction. The cashier obliges and, for the inconvenience, does not charge the customer for the additional items. The customer expresses gratitude and returns to their vehicle. Clearly, deciding to take a mindful approach to remedy the situation was in the best interest of the customer, and eliminated the transference of negative emotions to the restaurant’s staff.

If we consciously commit to owning our thoughts and feelings, then we have a greater chance of producing and influencing positive behavioral outcomes for ourselves and those around us. Practicing mindfulness daily allows the individual to recenter and refocus. Therefore, when stress-provoking experiences arise, this individual is far more equipped to manage their emotion and responses.

For as long as we live, there are few things that are inevitable. There will always be:

Something we are responsible for
Something that causes us emotional or physical discomfort
Something that will disappoint us
Something that will change around us or within us

Practicing these simple steps each day will help you to become much more self-aware, and emotionally responsible in the face of adversity. Using mindfulness tools will help you to maneuver within the hectic inner traffic events of the mind when the inevitable manifests on any given day.

For more tips and tricks, check out:

The Mindfulness-Based Emotional Balance Workbook by Margaret Cullen and Gonzalo Brito Pons.

Learning to Flex; Bend Without Breaking in the Face of Change

site-Qx1Nqw — Wed, 22 May 2024 02:50:19 GMT

Learning to Flex: Bend Without Breaking in the Face of Change

We’ve all experienced something that has made us question our ability to adapt to the changing circumstances at hand. Whether it’s the excitement of starting a new and high-profile job following commencement, or the fear that accompanies a departmental lay off when an organization downsizes. Maybe it’s the degradation of a 20-year marriage after one partner conveys, they’re just not in love anymore, or the infatuation of the budding beginnings of a new romance on the horizon. Whatever the change may be, we know the onus is ultimately on the individual to adjust accordingly. Essentially, to avoid long-term suffering we must learn to bend and not break when faced with the newness of change.

Yet, why is it some of us seem to make these adjustments with greater ease in comparison to some of us who don’t? Why is it one person can graduate from college, start their dream career, then within 6 months, crumble under the weight of the job’s demands? Meanwhile, another can commit to taking the challenge by the reigns, continue building their skills, finding a mentor, and thriving in their field. Why is it one person can receive a layoff notice, then go home and update their resume then start applying for jobs? Meanwhile, another will head over to a local bar and drink until closing, before descending into despair for months at a time. Why is it one person can end a long-term relationship and feel like their world has collapsed with no rebuilding efforts in sight? Meanwhile, another can choose to acknowledge their role in the demise of the relationship and use what they learned to cultivate new experiences in the future. Why is it a New Romantic partnership can lead one individual down the road of insecurity and questioning the devotion of their mate? Meanwhile, another can seize the opportunity to experience the intimate connection of human bonding at the most tender level without fearing the worst.

Depending on which side of the coin you find yourself on, will determine how you can relate to this concept in general. Of course, several factors contribute to our ability to develop a bounce-back mentality. For the sake of this article, we’ll explore just a few. Perhaps you’re the type of person who can quickly rebound from a setback, with little downtime needed for recovery. When the change is perceived as positive, you can manage your emotions and not allow overexcitement to dictate your behavior. Imagine you were giving a Ted Talk on this exact topic, and members of the audience posed these questions to you with hopes of uncovering the secret to your mental flexibility.

How did you develop your unique skillset to approach problem solving?
Who was your greatest teacher or what was the greatest experience that equipped you with the fundamental keys of resiliency?
When did you reach the turning point to realize you needed to do something different to be able to successfully navigate changes?

If the answers to these questions come relatively easily for you, then congratulations! It seems that you may have truly mastered the art of approaching change from a much more flexible mindset. However, in contrast, maybe you’ve approached change from a completely different perspective. Which has now placed you in the seat of the onlooker and you are one of the audience members asking these questions to the speaker. As you listen, you find yourself reflecting and analyzing your own responses within your head.

Perhaps your internal monologue goes something like this:

“How did I develop my unique skillset to approach problem solving?”
“When I was in middle, or high school I remember overhearing my parents arguing about bills, and family matters all the time. It always seemed like they were blaming one another for this or that. I can’t recall mom or dad ever apologizing, or taking ownership for whatever the issue was. To be honest, I really don’t think the arguments resolved anything at all. It just sounded like a way for both to express their frustration.”

“Who was my greatest teacher or what was the greatest experience that equipped me with the fundamental keys of resiliency?”
“This is a tough question. I can’t remember ever seeing anyone in my family demonstrate the ability to quickly bounce back whenever the trials of life hit. As a matter of fact, my dad would work late hours, and then would have his nightly drink to unwind when he finally came home. Aside from his arguments with my mom, I never really knew how he felt. I guess I just assumed he was tired from working so much, and angry from arguing all the time. So, he drank to take the edge off.”

“When did I reach the turning point and I realize I needed to do something different?”
“When my long-term relationship ended, and I saw myself withdrawing from my friends, sleeping more, eating more, exercising less, and worrying more. When I noticed my behavior was negatively affecting my loved ones and colleagues, I guess that’s when I knew I needed a breakthrough. It’s like, no one really understood what I was going through. I didn’t feel like I could even explain it. I felt disheartened and embarrassed, so I stayed to myself. But I knew I couldn’t keep living that way.”

If you find yourself being able to relate to the monologue, congratulations! You’re among those who have developed insight into your own awareness about your individual behavioral response to change. You’ve come to understand that sometimes, the behaviors of others we have observed early on were in fact our greatest teachers. It doesn’t make our parents or other primary caregivers incompetent or wrong for the way they handle stressors. They did what they knew to do, based on what they too learned.

According to theoretical perspectives, our behaviors are learned from a variety of sources. We may pick up some of the good habits, in conjunction with some of the bad depending on our genetics, environmental factors, and personal temperament. However, it’s never too late to make a lasting change that will yield favorable results. Becoming a mentally flexible person first requires self-awareness. This awareness can be difficult and is usually accompanied by a situation that challenges or threatens our perceived safety. Understand that changes are inevitable. Whether they are great accomplishments or painful losses, they are essential to human development. Without change, your body would never grow, your mind would never mature, and your world would be stifled as a result. The presence of inflexibility often speaks to the underlying conditioning of fear. Those “if, then” worries begin to manifest. If we spend too much time in this headspace, other problematic and often clinically significant symptoms may begin to present because of excessive worry.

As you’re embarking on this journey to assess your own mental agility, be honest and ask yourself those same reflective questions. The answers might surprise you.

How did you develop your unique skillset to approach problem solving?
Who was your greatest teacher or what was the greatest experience that equipped you with the fundamental keys of resiliency?
When did you reach the turning point and realize you needed to do something different to be able to successfully navigate changes?

For more helpful information about the cognitive approach to change, check out, “ Who Moved My Cheese? ” by Spencer Johnson.

2024: New Year, Old Problems

site-Qx1Nqw — Fri, 05 Jan 2024 23:46:05 GMT

2024: New Year, Old Problems

While the start of a new year is a wonderful time for reflection, planning and hope, something crucial often gets overlooked.

When the countdown finishes at the stroke of midnight, and the well wishes ring from coast to coast and around the world, the energy is insatiable. Many of us create a list of resolutions, or bad habits we’re determined to break come January 1st.

We seek out the latest weight-loss and exercise trends. If weight-loss is the goal, we might buy all the things, smoothie blends, active wear, etc. to set ourselves up for success. We tell ourselves, “This year is going to be different.” And perhaps, for a few weeks it is.

Truth be told, it will be different, theoretically speaking. There are never two days that are exactly alike unless you get impossibly stuck in the film “Groundhog’s Day”. Every day will pose newness, different challenges, and experiences to take in through the senses. Yet somehow, the one thing that typically makes it far more difficult for these subtle differences to make any significant impact, is our perspective.

Our perspective is a very powerful little thing if we know how to harness its energy. Your ability to alter your perspective can and will change the way you approach any situation. Ultimately, changing your perspective will change your life. As simple as it may sound, it can be quite a daunting task to find the motivation to begin this work. To better understand where your mindset is currently stuck, it helps to become intentional about the real issue you've been facing.

Now that the New Year is underway, consider what old problems (old perspectives), are keeping you stuck in last year’s shadows?

Try this activity:

Create a list of all the things you’ve wanted to do, or planned to do each year, but never seem to be able to find the motivation to do them.
Next to each item on your list, assign a number from 1-5 (1=least important/ 5=most important)
Circle each item you’ve identified as a 4 or a 5.
Then, for each item, apply the Root Cause Analysis of the 5-Whys to better understand what’s prohibited success in attaining each goal (see example below)

Example:

Problem: I want to exercise 3 days per week for at least 45 minutes.

Why #1: Why haven’t I been able to exercise 3 days per week for at least 45 minutes?
Answer: I am too tired to workout once I get home

Why #2: Why am I too tired to workout once I get home?
Answer: Because I wake up at 6am every day, and work until 5pm. By the time I get home, there just isn’t enough energy left.

Why #3: Why do I not have enough energy to do anything once the workday is over at 5pm?
Answer: Because I just want to unwind and watch something on tv after a hard day.

Why #4: Why are my workdays so hard for me?
Answer: Because I don’t sleep well at night, and then I wake up tired. I have so much to do at work that it drains me.

Why #5: Why am I not sleeping well at night?
Answer: Because I am worrying about all the things, I must do the next day. The pressures at work are mounting, and they drain me.

Conclusion:

In this example, an inability to prioritize exercising was not the real issue. The real issue was this individual is struggling to manage the demands of their job. Which in turn is mentally, physically, and possibly even emotionally draining for them. If they remedy the work-related issue, it may help them to get unstuck, feel less stressed, and subsequently more energized after the workday to exercise as desired.

It takes a higher degree of self-awareness to reach the place where we realize that something must change. On the contrary, individuals who continue to perpetuate the “New Year, New Me” cycle (with no real intention to change) will only find themselves unmotivated and frustrated before long. Implementing and sustaining change requires an internal shifting. Sometimes this shift is uncomfortable and may even be difficult to implement without help from a loved one, friend, or trusted professional. There are tons of wonderful books, podcasts, videos and courses on this subject. An interestingly unique resource that requires a great deal of intentional and thorough self-reflection can be found at Yearcompass.com.

As you embark on this next leg of your individual journey, consider the following questions:

Ask yourself, am I ready to do something different this year?
If the answer is yes, then try the above activity to identify what’s holding you back.
If your answer is no, then perhaps it’s time to ask yourself “Why, am I not ready to make a change?”

There's no time like this very moment, for you to decide whether or not your new year will be defined by your old problems.

Resource: The Year Compass

Bloody Battlefield: The Hurting Woman

site-Qx1Nqw — Tue, 30 May 2023 02:56:16 GMT

Bloody Battlefield: A Hurting Woman

Have you ever wondered about the intensity of a woman’s reactions in the middle of an argument? Perhaps you’ve pre- determined that she is “always” overreacting, and thereby making more out of the situation then it needs to be. Maybe you’ve walked away to collect yourself, and she follows you down the hall spewing threats and jagged screams of, “You never listen to me!” With colorful language and tears streaming down her face she berates you- and this lasts for what feels like hours into days. Or perhaps she is somewhere at the other end of the spectrum. Is she giving you the silent treatment and won’t so much as look in your direction when you enter the room? Days go by and her shoulder just keeps getting colder and colder. Similarly, maybe she is a hybrid of the two or somewhere in the middle.

It is possible that her seemingly erratic behavior has been dismissed as a “woman just being a woman”, PMS, an inability to manage her emotions or maybe even downright imbalanced. Either way, except for those individuals who have been clinically diagnosed with a mental or behavioral health disorder, chances are there is nothing going on with her physiologically or mentally- and she is simply doing the best she can to communicate the intensity of her suffering due to an unmet need.

Now let’s be perfectly clear that in no way do we condone abuse or violence on any level. If you believe that the woman in your life is a threat to herself or others, then you have the responsibility of ensuring that the right steps are taken to seek immediate help (i.e., contacting law enforcement, or the National Suicide Crisis Line at 9-8-8 immediately). Additionally, regardless of the underlying rationale behind inappropriate behavior an individual, whether male or female the individual is solely responsible for the outcomes of their actions.

With that notion in mind, for the purpose of this article we are attempting to clarify some of the confusion that leads to the incessant cycles of relational disparity. Many esteemed philosophers, authors, researchers and so on can elaborate on the distinct differences between men and women. But sometimes the simplest explanations to what might appear to be her “madness”, is just a depiction of her pain. In those moments when she appears to be unrecognizable and disdained, is it possible that she is just exhibiting the symptoms of a hurting woman?

A great deal is expected of the woman. The societal and familial pressures placed upon both sexes can truly weigh down the spirit. Nonetheless, for the purpose of this discussion we are focusing solely on those that are generally exclusive to women. She is expected to be the mother, the wife (or girlfriend), or perhaps even the long-term fiancé, the teacher, the counselor, the cook, the maid, the healer, the comforter, the sexy figurine, the magician and in many ways the social butterfly, the engineer, and the accountant. Now this forum is in no way intended to bash men- nor meant to compare the individual struggles of each. However, it is to illuminate some truths with the hopes of edifying those that may misunderstand the frustrations of the woman.

A woman may find herself at the center of a never-ending battle simply because of her style of communication being misunderstood. While there are those women that are maliciously intending to cause harm with their words or actions- there are so many others that just want to be seen, to be heard, to be valued, and to be loved. When a woman believes that her needs are being unmet, and her complaints are falling on deaf ears, she may go into subconscious-like panic. When the amygdala, the part of the brain responsible for emotional information processing, senses a threat it will hurl the mind into an automatic survival response. This is commonly known as fight, flight or freeze. Depending on her genetic make-up, temperament, learned behaviors and past experiences she will respond in the way that comes most natural to her.

Does she…

Fight: Does she verbally lash out? Is she engaging in name-calling? Does she start to become aggressive in any way?

Flight: Does she run away? Does she avoid the confrontation at all costs?

Freeze: Does she shut down? Does she appear to be stuck or immobilized?

At the core of who she is, many women might attest that they don’t ask for much from the partner in their lives. She is hard-wired to function in such a way that is careful and concerning. Though this does not make her weak or insignificant and incapable of managing challenging situations or individuals. She longs to connect. She longs to be close. Deep down within her, she needs to know that her partner is going to protect her physical person as well as the heart within her.

By the time a woman is in her mid to late 20’s she has likely already experienced an array of difficult circumstances that life has thrown at her. It is during this time that she is somewhere along the starting lines of her educational and or career journey. Perhaps she has the support of her parents, and perhaps she does not. During this window of time, she may have become a wife and is trying to navigate the expectations of the husband she chose. Meanwhile, she is actively trying to juggle the often-unrealistic expectancies that he and the in-laws have cast over their marriage. For some, these years hold the fortune of motherhood- and for others a painful infertility journey ensues. Yet still she perseveres along the arduously winding road that has proven to be more rocks than pavement. Her outward appearance may appear to be composed most days- and she may demonstrate an incredibly resilient talent for the balancing act. But deep down inside this woman, if her needs are going and continue to go unmet, she is seething.

At some point, the human nature of the woman will manifest itself as she may begin to feel defeated and deflated. It has been said that women confront to connect- which most women will probably agree. So, if you are finding yourself in what might feel like an incessant war with the woman in your life, then it’s a good time to stop and take inventory.

A few guiding questions to ask yourself:

· Is there something that I am doing to contribute to her frustration?

· Am I spending enough time with her? If not, where am I devoting most of my time to?

· When we do spend time together, what is the quality of it? Am I distracted or multitasking?

· Am I treating her like an individual? Or am I comparing her to the women in my past?

· Are my expectations of her realistic? Or am I being unfair?

· Am I seeking to understand when she brings me her concerns? Or am I in defense mode most of the time?

· Do I regularly devote time to deepen the intimacy between us? Or am I only romancing her when I want to have sex?

· Am I speaking her language of love each day? If not, do I know what her language is?

· When was the last time I asked her about her fears?

· When was the last time I asked her about her dreams?

The answers to these questions may or may not surprise you- if you are honest. And keep in mind that you cannot control what or how she responds or reacts to you. Yet, know that if you have found yourself in relationship-hell, or in a stagnant place then these types of questions can help lay the groundwork for the introspective type of reality check you may both need to help turn your relationship around.

If you truly love the woman in your life, then you must understand and adhere to the fact that your love cannot be selfish (nor can hers). If your relationship was once loving, fun and kind, yet now it seems to resemble a bloody battlefield during World War II, then it’s time to do something different.

Where will you start? And when?

Book Recommendation: “Anger: Taming a Powerful Emotion” by Dr. Gary Chapman

Reference: Šimić, G., Tkalčić, M., Vukić, V., Mulc, D., Španić, E., Šagud, M., Olucha-Bordonau, F. E., Vukšić, M., & R. Hof, P. (2021). Understanding emotions: Origins and roles of the amygdala. Biomolecules, 11(6), 823. https://doi.org/10.3390/biom11060823

Disclaimer:

This article is made for psychoeducational purposes and is not intended to provide specific clinical advice to any person. It does not create a client-practitioner relationship between MindMelody, PLLC. and the reader. It should not be used as a substitute for competent clinical advice from a licensed mental health professional in your State.

Relationship Woes: Navigating Heartache

Sun, 08 Jan 2023 19:48:59 GMT

Relationship Woes: Navigating Heartache

What do you do when the one you love suddenly stops loving you back? Many of us have been there. At first it seems that the relationship was everything that you could hope for. This person sees you, gets you, and just outright makes you feel like you’re the most important human on earth. Then seemingly out of the blue, everything changes. They stop responding to your messages, and phone calls. Much like an apparition, they’ve disappeared into thin air. Your pleas for understanding go ignored. Perhaps they gave you a reason for the abrupt ending. Perhaps they didn’t. You can’t begin to wrap your mind around the reality, and just like that, the relationship is officially over.

The aftereffects leave you restless, agitated and in a habitual pattern of self-loathing behaviors. Maybe sleep becomes elusive and your appetite has been impaired. Maybe you see their face in your dreams, and your head aches upon waking. Maybe your stomach is in knots and even the automatic act of breathing causes body aches. Day after day, incessant tears flow from your weary eyes.

You’ve tried your best to pick up the pieces and move on. The trial and error of each day prove to be more than your poor heart can handle. The memories of your shattered love replay like endless movies, over and over in your mind. It seems impossible to escape the countless recollections of frequented and enchanted evenings out, or sweet and tender mornings in. The situation is surreal as reality begins to set in. The physiological response to a broken heart may make you feel as though this incessant pain will never cease.

The psychological tricks that the mind might begin to play may have you believing that this was your last chance, and you will never love again. Perhaps you’ve found yourself retracing your mental steps, assessing every detail of that last month, week, or day to determine if there was something that you could have done differently. Was there one small thing that you could have said that might have changed the trajectory of this emotional tragedy?

If you’ve found yourself in the depths of this valley, then the truth of it all is that you’ve officially entered a place of grieving. Some may not associate the loss of a relationship due to a breakup as one that requires the same level of care and attention as the physical loss of a person due to death. However, a loss is a loss. Whether you’re saying goodbye to a beloved pet, a job where you’ve invested time and effort, a bonded friendship, or the love of your life, emotional pain may still manifest.

World renown Swiss psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross created the grieving model commonly referenced as "The Five Stages of Grief"(Kessler, 2013) . The stages are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. Each person reacts to loss in their own individual way. They may experience the stages in a variety of ways. Yet, it is still imperative that one allows themselves to do just that, “experience the stages.” Some may try to numb their emotional pain, which can often lead to maladaptive behaviors such as addiction and codependency.

Please note there isn’t a magic cure for ridding yourself of heartache and the grief that follows. For many, it is only a matter of time before the heart is broken. However, being broken does not mean that in time you won't heal. Your experiences and feelings in the moment may be quite real but know that our reality is often distorted whenever our emotional self takes over our logical brain. Understand, nothing lasts forever. Not heartache, not even a state of happiness. Everything must change. No one state of anything, good or bad remains constant day after day forever. Even though our initial reaction to a shockwave of a situation may cause us to believe all sort of things, it does not mean that even the bleakest situation can’t be improved- with time and effort.

Here are a few practical tips for navigating this complex season of your life:

Don’t isolate yourself
Connecting with those that are supportive of you such as friends, family, and co-workers will help to improve your overall wellbeing.

Acknowledge your feelings
Talk about what you’re feeling, write them down, or consider creating a video journal each day.

Discover something to look forward to
Identify important dates, events, or goals that you would like to obtain.

Rest
But don’t sleep too much. Do your best to maintain a normal sleep routine each night. Get out of and make your bed each morning (even when you don’t want to).

Get moving
Daily movement, even short walks are beneficial to your mind, body, and spirit.

Keep trying
Some days might be better than others, but each day you choose to move forward you grow just a little stronger within.

If you need to, seek out professional help
Connect with a counselor or therapist to help you process your feelings and find healthy ways to cope with the change

If you are ready to start moving towards inward healing, ask yourself, “Where will I begin today?” If you are not ready, ask yourself, “What is holding me back?”

Good Read Recommendation: The Grief Recovery Handbook by John W. James available on Amazon.com.

Sources: Kessler, D. (2013). Five Stages of Grief by Elisabeth Kubler Ross & David Kessler. Grief.com. https://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/

Disclaimer: As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.

Now What?: When the Honeymoon is Over

Sun, 01 Jan 2023 19:36:17 GMT

Now What? When the Honeymoon is Over

How beautiful was your wedding day? Was it everything that you’d hoped for? Family, friends, flashing lights with the sights and sounds that hypnotized your senses. Afterwards, a romantic getaway reminded you both of your fiery affection for one another. Those breath-taking moments that produced glamorous photos for all your social media platforms to envy. Maybe you’re a year in, or perhaps even 3, 5, 10 or more! But now, something feels different. The “spark”, that sizzle and infectious energy that led you to believe you’d finally found your happily ever after has dwindled and started to fade away. Now what?

Have you resorted to reconnecting with past flames, or explored the sensation of new ones? Have you developed new interests that siphon your once devoted attention and draw you away from your love? Has romance been replaced with tension and resentment? If those endless kisses and gentle touches have dissipated from your marriage, you’re not alone.

Many husbands and wives can attest to experiencing similar happenings at some point in their marriages. They confess to feelings of regret, doubt, loneliness, and fear. Some spouses may believe that their significant other has lost interest and are no longer attracted to them. Regardless, both parties are left in state of emotional and mental disarray which is the opposite of what a marriage was ever intended to be in the eyes of God.

If you and your spouse have found yourselves in this place, it’s a good time to hit the pause button. The road to rediscovery and healing can be long and arduous. Nonetheless, if there is anything left within you that wants to begin again in your marriage, then it is not too late. A good place to begin on this journey is with you. If you’re reading this, then chances are you are searching for answers, guidance, or support at this junction in your marriage.

This is a good time to take a self-inventory of where you are, and who you are. Often, individuals place a ton of blame on their spouse and rarely ever allow those same wagging fingers to point back at their own face. Please note, if any form of abuse has taken place in your marriage, this information is not intended for you take responsibility for any abuse your spouse is inflicting. If you are experiencing, physical, sexual, mental, emotional, or financial abuse then it is imperative that you seek resources for help immediately. If your marital dilemmas are outside of these instances, then a self-inventory is good first step.

Here are a few things to consider as you begin your self-inventory and enter into a time of self-reflection:

What do I believe the problem(s) is?
Be specific- write it out if necessary

What part have I played in contributing to this problem?
Be honest- take accountability for your actions

What have I done to help repair the damage done?
Be specific

Am I willing to continue working on what I can control to reduce and or mitigate this problem?
If yes, why? If no, why not?

Do I believe we could benefit from professional and or spiritual support?
If yes, then it's time to explore your options.

You’ve reached a pivotal moment in the history of your life. The choices you make concerning your marriage will indeed have lasting effects on both you, your spouse, your family, your friends, and your community. With each day that you choose to combat the negativity and disparity that has seeped into your marriage, you are making the conscious effort to go to battle for and not against the one you love.

Good Read Recommendation: A Lifelong Love by Gary Thomas available on Amazon.com.

Disclaimer: As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.

Reflected: Identifying the Self

Thu, 08 Dec 2022 20:29:16 GMT

Reflected: Identifying the Self

If someone were to ask you to define yourself in one short sentence, what would you say? Would your response be a quick and witty reply, or one that’s filled with cynicism and uncertainty? Would it be filled with clichés and generalized labels or highlight a depth of understanding? This simple, yet revelatory moment would expose much of the truth that lies beneath the surface of your outward persona. Or it would at least, emphasize the reality about the person that you believe you are. Also known as, your self-concept.

One of my favorite songs of all time is Michael Jackson’s “Man in the Mirror.” This timeless classic emphasized the importance of first looking within ourselves to address our own issues before digging around inside of someone else’s closet to expose their flaws. Much like the personification we tend to find in music, there are a ton of helpful resources online, in bookstores, and on audiobooks, to help assess and identify the many traits that make up your unique personality. Yet, those highly effective tools are utterly useless if we are content with holding onto a negative self-concept and presenting less than our best selves to the world around us.

As we grow older, we are presented with choice after choice. To change? Or to remain the same? Chronologically, the movement of time is continual. There is no escaping the clock. However, many people may still fail to emotionally and mentally age. They are seemingly stuck in an endless loop of self-doubt, blame, guilt, and shame that keeps them reliving the perpetual negativity of a hurtful past. Whether that hurt was emotional, physical, mental, or even spiritual it can have long lasting effects that deeply wound the individual’s ability to positively see themselves or the world around them. Recall if you will that adage, “Hurt people, hurt people.”

A hurt person holds negative beliefs at the core of who they are. The self-concept is essentially a collection of those core beliefs of “who” we say (or believe) we are. Meanwhile, the self-esteem is more so the innerworkings of the ideology of “what” we believe we are capable of and or deserve from others. The terms self-concept and self-esteem are likely misunderstood or may even be used interchangeably to describe the way that we see the “self”.

So, what do you do when the painfully negative things that you have been telling yourself or have been told by others, appear to ring loud and clear as true? What do you do when those bad things have made you believe the worst about you? How do you alter the inner reflection of the self? Is it possible to change the way you see yourself? Where do you begin?

First, it’s important that you adjust your expectations and begin to understand that change is a process. Anything that is truly worth achieving will take time to perfect. While it is okay to envision the end goal at the beginning of the change cycle, managing your expectations helps to keep a healthy perspective throughout the process.

If you are ready to consider shifting your idea of self, to become a more emotionally and mentally harmonized version of you, here are a few helpful tips to getting started:

Take a personal inventory
List all the things that you believe you are (your core beliefs)
Prioritize your concerns about those beliefs
Order your core beliefs based on significance of impairment and your willingness to change them
Evaluate your list
Decide which core beliefs you think are absolutely within your control vs. which ones are not
Create personal goals for each core belief that you want to change
Consider using the SMART (Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, Timebound) goals and objectives method
List the resources that you’ll need to accomplish the goals outlined
Decide what specific tools will be helpful for you i.e., books, podcasts, videos, friends, family, church, activities, professional services etc.
Create your plan of action
Decide how you will implement your SMART goal(s)
Envision what success will look like for you once you’ve reached your goal(s)
i.e., When I learn 3 new skills each month for the next 6-months, I will believe that I am qualified to meet the requirements of the next job opportunity that I will apply for
Evaluate your plan at regular intervals
Decide how frequently you want to monitor your progress, i.e., Weekly, bi-weekly, monthly
How will you hold yourself accountable?
Show grace
Remind yourself that setbacks are inevitable, but they do not determine your overall success

Making the decision to adjust the way you see yourself, and subsequently interact with the world around you is a commitment. The process is one that cannot be taken lightly and is essential to growth and development throughout the lifespan.

If you are ready to make this individual change, I encourage you to get started today. If you are not ready to make the change, then I would implore you to ask yourself the question of why not?

Good Read Recommendation: A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose by Eckhart Tolle available on Amazon.com.

Disclaimer:

This article is made for psychoeducational purposes and is not intended to provide specific clinical advice to any particular person. It does not create a client-practitioner relationship between MindMelody, PLLC. and the reader. It should not be used as a substitute for competent clinical advice from a licensed mental health professional in your State.

Carrying Heavy Loads: Checking Your Stress

Tue, 08 Nov 2022 19:45:11 GMT

Carrying Heavy Loads: Checking your Stress

In the past 7 days, have there been tasks or expectations that have felt unattainable for you? Have these expectations been requirements related to work, school, homelife, financial or social obligations? We all have a laundry list of to-do items that seems to grow longer and more complex the older we get. Sometimes it feels as though those stress-provoking life expectations slowly begin to drain every ounce of enthusiasm that you once felt- back when things were much simpler.

Do you ever feel like other people seem to be able to better manage their stressors? Have you found yourself envious of a friend’s or colleague’s ability to stroll through their day-to-day operations with "ease" and little to no worry? In all actuality, each person must find their own rhythm. Some people might discover this inner attunement earlier than others. Nonetheless, rest assured that they too had to endure their own struggle to get there.

If you’ve reached a moment where you are feeling overwhelmed, like a balloon about to pop or a covered pot of water set to boil, then perhaps you are right where you are supposed to be! In the cycle of change, a person will first understand that something needs to change before they can implement a change. If reality has started to set in for you, then perhaps it’s time for you to take a self-inventory.

In short, responsibilities and challenges (whether foreseen or unpredictable) can produce pressure. Any vessel that is put under enough heaviness could become overwhelmed. This overwhelming feeling manifests for us as a state of stress. If we are not careful, chronic stress can lead to impairments in psychological and physiological functionality.

It’s time to re-evaluate how we manage the heavy weights of responsibility and life changes that we carry. Imagine, the last time you took a flight, and you were given the option of taking your 100-pound luggage onboard with you for FREE, or to check it with an agent upon arrival at the airport for a fee of $50-$100. Which option would you choose? If you’d choose to take it aboard, why? If no, why not? While lugging the hefty bag all around the airport with you, squeezing it down the narrow isle of an already crowded plane might appeal to some for the sake of saving a few dollars- the very thought of it might leave others feeling nerve-wrecked to say the least.

The emotional and mental baggage that we carry is much like that 100-pound bag. Out of some form of perceived convenience, some might believe it’s worth it to do it all on their own. Checking the baggage might mean relinquishing control, asking for help, setting boundaries, or simply letting go of something that they’ve been carrying around for so long.

Here are a few things to consider as you begin to decide what to do with your baggage:

Take a closer look
Make a list of your daily tasks and responsibilities.

Evaluate the list
Are there things you can delegate, get rid of, ask for help with or modify on the list?

Remember it’s okay to say “No”
Setting healthy boundaries with family, friends, and co-workers isn’t a crime. It’s self-preservation.

Find your joy
Make a list of things you enjoy doing and commit to doing one thing on the list daily.

Nourish your body, mind, and spirit each day
Find ways to get and stay active, develop your mind’s curiosity to learn something new, and try meditation, prayer or journaling each day.

If you’re ready to check your stress, then today’s a good day to start a list. If you’re not ready, ask yourself, “What’s the real cost I’m paying to carry this heavy baggage?”

Good Read Recommendation: Don't Sweat the Small Stuff, and It's All Small Stuff by Kristine Carlson and Richard Carlson available on Amazon.com.

Disclaimer: As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.

Fact or Fiction? Combat Anxiety by Challenging Negative Thoughts

Sat, 22 Oct 2022 18:44:30 GMT

Fact or Fiction? Combat Anxiety by Challenging Negative Thoughts

What dictates your day-to-day mood? If your answer is, “my thoughts”, then you are correct! The things that we think (and reinforce within our minds) each day really become the beliefs that we begin to hold about ourselves and others. It’s virtually impossible to fixate on the positive things happening in your world, and still hold a negative attitude about life. Anxiety occurs when excessive worrying (produced by constant negative thinking) begins to take over.

If you could, imagine categorizing your thoughts into genres of film (comedy, drama, horror, inspirational, thriller, etc.). Utilizing this perspective, where would you say most of your thoughts fall? Are they light-hearted, and whimsical? Are they emotionally intense or pessimistic? Are they terrifyingly unreal? Are they hopeful and pleasant? Or are they perhaps edgy and uncertain at every turn?

Regardless of the category that you opted to identify with, if the outcome is tension-filled, fearful, and dismal then chances are that your mind has been repeatedly looping negative thoughts. If you want to escape the incessant cycle, then it’s time to switch genres.

Often in therapy, we ask clients to put their thoughts on trial. This exercise is one of many utilized in the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT model) to help client’s to better understand the connection of their thoughts to their behaviors. While completing the task, the client is asked to list out some of the frequent negative thoughts (or beliefs) that they hold. For each, they will identify the facts that support the idea- as well as the opposing evidence that makes it false. At the end, the client can determine their own verdict to decide whether the negative thing they have been telling themselves is fact or fiction.

Once the client has evaluated and re-evaluated the trial of their own mind, they are typically able to identify the undesirable patterns which led to the development of the thoughts that have devastated their mood. Subsequently, they can then replace the damaging concepts with positive aspirations and reminders that will help produce positive feelings which thereafter create opportunities for behavioral improvement.

It all starts with the mind. Many great Biblical prophets, ancient philosophers, and modern-day scholars can attest to such. Our minds are intricately tricky, and mysterious things. If we are not careful, the mind can run away with our imagination and lead us to certain calamity.

Here are a few things to consider if you find yourself experiencing anxious (worrying) thoughts:

Write out the negative thought(s)
List them one-by-one

Ask yourself what feeling does the thought(s) give you?
Be specific

What do you do when you experience this feeling?
Identify the behavior that comes next

Does the behavior produce a positive or negative reward for you?
Be honest- and list the outcome of your behavior

Does the thought(s) stem from a fact (actuality) or fiction (perception)?
Facts are tangible and evidence-based

Do you want to continue this pattern of behavior?
If yes, why? If no, why not?

What steps do you need to take to change this pattern of thinking?
List out actionable steps that you can take to make this change

If you are ready to take control of your thinking, then now is a good time to start. If you’re not, then perhaps it’s time to ask yourself “What am I waiting for”?

*Good Read Recommendation: Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyer available on Amazon.com.

Disclaimer: As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.

Mental Notes by MindMelody

Slowing the Traffic in Your Head: The Art of Mindfulness

Slowing the Traffic in Your Head: The Art of Mindfulness

Learning to Flex; Bend Without Breaking in the Face of Change

Learning to Flex: Bend Without Breaking in the Face of Change

2024: New Year, Old Problems

2024: New Year, Old Problems

Bloody Battlefield: The Hurting Woman

Bloody Battlefield: A Hurting Woman

Relationship Woes: Navigating Heartache

Relationship Woes: Navigating Heartache

Now What?: When the Honeymoon is Over

Now What? When the Honeymoon is Over

Reflected: Identifying the Self

﻿ Reflected: Identifying the Self

Carrying Heavy Loads: Checking Your Stress

Carrying Heavy Loads: Checking your Stress

Fact or Fiction? Combat Anxiety by Challenging Negative Thoughts

Fact or Fiction? Combat Anxiety by Challenging Negative Thoughts

Reflected: Identifying the Self